What Infertility has taught me.

I don't mean to sound like a giant bitch, but I still get so angry when people who try for a baby for 2 months start to think they have serious medical conditions as to why they "just can't seem to get pregnant." I feel pretty calm and collected and even accepting of my TTC troubles and my journey so far and the road ahead. But for some reason, when people start bitching about how hard TTC is after 2 months, it makes me want to rip my hair out.

I have been through a lot in the last 3 and a half years. So it's almost insulting when some noob comes waltzing in thinking that 2 months constitutes as infertility. I graduated fair and square into my "Infertile" title and so should you before you start claiming as such. I put in my time. And I'm sorry, 2 months is NOT long enough for you to be able to come gripe to me about it.

I obviously am still harboring some resentment and ill-feelings about certain things. I am working on it, but have a feeling that this will always be a touchy subject.

It's amazing because in all reality, I feel so accepting of where I am at right now. I feel calm and focused. I feel positive and feel as I can look beyond my infertility into what will come next if biological children are not in the cards for us. I feel more prepared for what our future holds now than I ever have in the past. I even feel myself letting go of TTC in a weird way. We still have a lot of road left to travel in regards to our baby-making journey, but I feel so much like I can have a life outside of it again.

BUT...

...hearing someone complain like that just makes something snap inside still. I'm not claiming that I am better than anyone or that it's a "contest" of who's been trying the longest. But 2 months? Really?? It can take the majority of healthy couples with perfect timing 6 months to make a baby. 2 months is laughable. I admit it's disappointing no matter who long or short you've been TTC, but come on. Pick yourself up and try again. Because I promise you, if and when you are unfortunate enough to hit that year mark, "picking yourself up again" becomes a little bit more of a task.

Ok...I will get off my high horse on that subject. I realize how bitchy I sound, and apologize for the snark. But it's a sensitive subject for me, apparently.

Honestly, though. As weird as this may sound right after a giant, angry rant, I feel such gratefulness for the peace I have recently found. I would even go so far as to say I am thankful for what infertility has taught me. The silver lining, right? But seriously, I am learning to embrace what life HAS given me...which is A LOT! I'm rediscovering how to have a passion for something. I've met so many amazing and strong women in this TTC community that I would truly call friends. I've reconnected with old real life friends that understand and listen to me when I need to unload my heart. I'm learning what it is to truly have acceptance of things. If there's one thing that will test that, it is the possibility that you will not be able to have biological children. A little you with your nose and your hubby's eyes. And though our TTC journey has a few innings left, I'm finding myself looking beyond TTC into a life where adoption won't feel like "the next best thing." But will fully feel like it was what was meant to be and truly IS the best thing.

At the beginning of our TTC struggles, I was always worried that I wouldn't be able to adopt because of feeling like it wouldn't be as "real" to me as biological children. That sounds so terribly selfish, but it's the raw truth. And it would be so unfair to an adopted child if I wasn't honest with myself about that. But the more accepting of infertility I become, the closer to adoption I feel. It's still a ways off, but it gives me comfort to know that I will be able to have children, regardless of where they come from. I've seen how amazing adoption is, and how there is no difference in the mother and fathers eyes of that child. I truly feel that I will be able to get to that point down the road.

Until then, I will continue to grow. I will strive to enjoy my life. I will continually remind myself of all the amazing things and people that surround me and be grateful. A lot of people don't have half the things I do and I need to be able to appreciate just how spoiled I truly am.