Brace Yourself! It's a Long One!!!

I used to watch "A Baby Story" on TLC when I was in high school.  For those of you that aren't familiar, it's just a show that follows real couples through their pregnancy and birth of their babies.  Well, I remember my mom bawling every time the baby was born and then she would talk about how she can't watch birthing stories.  At the time, I didn't understand.  I do now!!!  Holy buckets!  I cannot make it through ANY show or movie, real or not, that has to do with a baby being born without sobbing because I know it's coming.  7 years of hardship and struggle will lead up to that one moment.  I've had a saying printed out on my inspiration board for a while now, long before I was pregnant...and it says "Some day this pain will all make sense.". The day I get to meet my little one, it truly will.  I don't want to lump pregnancy into the "pain" because at this stage, I KNOW the hardships are worth it.  I just don't think it's truly going to hit me until I see and hold my baby.

Pregnancy has been a challenge...but not so much in the ways you would think.  Symptoms are not fun, but I am coping pretty well and really, that's not the issue.  The stuggle has been entirely mental, which I was not expecting or prepared for.  If you follow my blog regularly, you know some of these issues already.

I am constantly thinking this is too good to be true and that any moment, my body is going to betray me again.  It's terrifying going each day like this, but it's all I can do to just take it a day at a time.  It goes back to the whole trust thing.  Once trust is broken, it doesn't just come back.  It has to be earned and unfortunately, my body has to do that by performing the ultimate task that you could ask a woman's body to do; grow and nurture a baby in the womb.  That's a pretty tall order for the road back to trust.  So, again, day by day is all I can do until little baby Z is here.  Don't ask me to just believe or have faith in my body because it is not that simple after so many let downs.  I'm doing the best I can with it.

Losing my workout identity (even if it's only temporary) is another struggle.  We all know this already as I have clearly been upset about this one.  I created an identity for myself as a fitness junkie while on this long and arduous road through infertility.  As I've said, it was my saving grace and gave me an identity outside of infertility that i desperately needed if I was going to make it through.  It became much more than a coping mechanism down the road, but I don't think people realize just how much it truly saved me.  And not just physically, but mentally.  And after becoming pregnant, I had a plan,  I was SUPPOSED to be able to continue going to class.  I was SUPPOSED to be able to still be a part of my fit family!  I didn't want to get knocked to the sidelines.  But as we all know, plans might as well be dreams.

One of the bad parts about trying for so long is you have ample time to elaborate on these "dreams." I WAS going to be that pregnant woman with the weights in my hand.  I wanted to prove it was possible!  But it came crashing down when the bleeding started.  Of course my first concern is for baby!  And that meant stripping away this idea of being pregnant  super woman I had grown attached to.  And now, I am at least able to swim but I feel a rift growing.  It's like with every lap I swim solo, I am getting further and further away from the person I was and the people that I shared these goals with.

I jumped back on Facebook, but I really wish I hadn't.  It's just a reminder that life moves on with or without you.  I must be having isolation issues because I keep having dreams of being forgotten, and people forgetting I was ever here.  Last night was a bad one.  And maybe this is the reason I am having in such a hard time with G being gone.  With him, I NEVER feel forgotten.  I know that to him, I am his universe.  Well, me and baby now.  So even when I feel forgotten by the rest of the world, I come home to G and feel like the most special person ever.

I know this probably all seems super dramatic.  And I am also aware that when baby gets here, it probably won't matter because everything is about that little baby and my life will change more than I could ever imagine, so you don't have to lecture me or tell me that it won't matter, blah blah b!ah.  Hell, I'll probably look a back at this post and laugh at how naïve I was.  But if I am being honest with myself, and if I truly want to document this journey and the feeling that go with it, this is where I stand in dealing with things right now. This is my raw emotions without trying to fluff it up.  This journey has been one test after another on how much I want this baby.  And I think I have proved time and time again, that I would do absolutely ANYTHING for this baby.  And not only that, but I am thankful for the hardships.  It has made me a better person, able to empathize with people better...and not just about infertility, but about whatever battle they are fighting.  Because clearly, if they are fighting, it is for something they truly believe in or want.  And I know that feeling to the very core.

To sum up, I cannot wait to meet our baby; this little being that I have dreamt about having in our lives for years; this little being I would give up anything for before it was even a real thing, when all it was was a flicker of hope in the crevices of my thoughts.  This little being who I have already loved for 7 years!!!!!