Survivors Guilt and More Barfing

I few years back, I recall one of my infertility friends "graduating" and then writing about having survivors guilt.  Well, I suppose now it's my turn.  I can't help but wonder why me and not them?  I know that's a ridiculous question with no answer.  It's basically the same thing as being on the other aide asking "why them and not me?"  There is no answer.  It just is.  But I still can't help feel a bit guilty.  I know I shouldn't.  And I know that whenever any of my friends who struggled a long time with infertility graduated, all I felt was complete elation for them.  So it doesn't make sense for me to feel guilty.  But I just want solo badly for them to have this.

On a related note, I've still been feeling pretty horrible....which also makes me feel guilty.  However, I keep trying to make myself think of it as a sign that baby is thriving.  But I won't lie, I can't wait until this yucky part is over.  I can't imagine trying to keep a pregnancy a secret through the first trimester while feeling like this.  And the women who go to a 9 to 5 type job on top of keeping it a secret....kudos to you.  You do NOT get enough credit.  I paint and tattoo for a living and make my own schedule.  Well, that schedule is almost nonexistent as of right now.,  I have a touch up to do next week so we'll see how that goes.  I'm hoping the smell of green soap doesn't make me sick.  That could be a problem!  I think a little touch up will be a good way to test that.

For those that don't know...throwing up is a major phobia of mine and that is why this morning sickness is a pretty big test for me.  When I tell people that barfing is a phobia, most people think, well no one likes barfing.  But it goes beyond that for me,  i remember every time a kid barfed in grade school.  I can always recall the last time I barfed...to the exact date.  Whatever I was wearing when I barf, gets thrown away.  I have really weird tendencies when I feel really close to barfing.  I start rocking back and forth.  That's the first sign that you know I'm uncomfortable.  Then when it gets really bad, I get up and start pacing in a pattern.  So like 3 steps, turn around, 3 steps turn back around...and I have to be turning the same direction.  There is probably something not healthy about that, and maybe even a bit creepy.  But it's what I've always done.  So if you notice me talking about this whole morning sickness thing a bit too much, that is why.  I'm trying to work through it because I don't think it's going away for a while.  I think I have at least another month of this.

I also keep telling myself that at least I get something AMAZING out of all of this.  For any of you that have been following my blog for a few years may recall 2010.  I felt nauseous 24/7 for 3 months and had no idea why.  I was pretty much couch bound.  And all that came out of that in the end was pancreatitis and gall stones. This time, I don't think I will feel sick that long and plus, I get a BABY out of it.  Not a bad little deal.  I also don't feel sick constantly through the day now, either.  I mean, it's on and off through the day, but not constant!!!  So that's also a bonus.

Ok.  I'm done talking about it.  For now.  Lol.