I've been thinking a lot about this whole being pregnant after infertility thing. My friend commented on my last post makes a very valid point that I should really stop apologizing for how I feel. My mom keeps telling me the same thing. But I feel so guilty. I feel guilty for not being able to let myself fully enjoy this pregnancy so far. I just wonder how I am supposed to trust my body with something so amazing and intricate as carrying and nurturing a growing baby when all it ever did before was fail me. How do I all the sudden trust it again after years of letting me down?
If I am being perfectly honest with myself, I'm having a hard time thinking in the future about this baby. I mean, I can't even buy a maternity shirt because it's hard to think "that far ahead" and what if I don't make it to that point? Instead of buying bigger pants for a growing belly, I just look t them as "fat pants." Maybe I just need to take this pregnancy day by day. Maybe that's all I CAN do at this point. I've had plenty of "proof" that there is a growing and thriving baby in my belly...so why is it sos hard to believe it? I already love this baby more than life itself, which scares the bajeebus out of me. I hate the what-ifs!!!! And I really try not to think in those terms! I'm trying to enjoy this as much as I can. It's not even the side effects that are bumming be out. It's my own lack of faith in my body.
That being said, I still wouldn't trade this worry for anything. I can't expect myself to go through a worry-free, happily ignorant pregnancy after everything I've been through. That's probably just asking too much of myself. I went through 7 years of failing at the one thing I wanted more than anything. And now all the sudden, I'm just pregnant? What's the catch? There's gotta be a catch!
I guess I should just embrace the fact that this is MY journey. MY pregnancy. If no one else gets why I'm feeling like I am, that's ok. No one has lived the last 7 years in my head. And I need to learn to accept how I feel. If people love me like they say they do, they will let me feel what I feel without judgment. If they don't, then fuck 'em. (And for the record, I am by far the worst offender here, I won't let me feel what I feel without guilt. I need to take my own advice!)
I cannot wait until the day I get to see and hold my baby. But until then, it's just gonna have to be a day by day thing. I can't force myself to feel a certain way. All I can do is try to work through this part and ask that my friends and family understand and help me...even just listen to me when I need to vent. When you graduate from infertility into pregnancy, there are pretty much no support groups for that so I'm relying solely on my family and friends to be my ears when I need them. And even if you don't understand, listening is all I need from time to time!!!
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1 comment:
I think your feelings are completely valid and you are right to need to explore and understand them. The key is to not let it rule you and stay away from the 'what if' train. I know it is probably the hardest thing to trust your body and let it do its thing when you have been let down so much before, but have faith. I can't imagine how hard all of this is psychologically, but I know you can make it through and you will be able to help those moms in the future going through the same thing. You are clearly a strong and capable woman who can handle mountains more than other people could have. You have never given up on your dream to be a mother, so hold on lady, you can handle this too :)
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