So I was super proud of myself this morning. I woke up with a plan. I ate some oatmeal, took my pills then headed to the gym to get my lap swimming on. Well, that plan totally got foiled. I walked into the rec pool and all the lane were taken up. I thought briefly about treading water in the warm pool but I'm sorry, that's just a little too boring without someone to talk to. So I made my way back to locker room and took a shower. So basically, I went to the gym for a communal shower.
I left feeling super discouraged that my efforts were thwarted and decided that I should not go to the gym on weekends. Too many weekend warriors. Plus, someone always has to crowd me in the locker room. Maybe I am just a huge bitch, but I'm not there to chat or make friends or talk tattoos. That's MY time. And unless I already know you, leave me alone. That really does sound horribly bitchy, doesn't it? I think I'm just feeling a little bit cranky today because of my failed attempt today at staying active and swimming is the only decent cardio I can really get right now.
So anyway, I left the gym and decided to go get some "fat pants" at target. I immediately came home and had a big sad episode as I grabbed out the pairs of large stretchy yoga/workout pants. I'm talking crying with snot and drool. I'm just going to blame it on hormones because I really don't want to think I could get that sad about going back to size large. It's like...I KNOW I am pregnant somewhere in my mind...but it was almost like PTSD having to go back up to large. The past 4 years of working my ass off (literally) only to go right back to a large in a matter of a couple months! It hurts my feelings a little bit. Luckily, I have G. He came to my rescue. I've been doing really good on the days I get to exercise. But I just had a little setback in my mentality this morning with not being able to swim and then having to go up a size in pants...already!!!
So, enough of the pity party...that, again, wee are just going to blame on hormones, I busted out some resistance training via Chalean Extreme. I just finished that and feel a little better. I think I'm just going to keep my swimming to weeknights. It seems to be pretty slow at night during the week. Maybe when I'm all big and pregnant, people will just move out of a lane for me. Lol.
Enough of that. Our first OB appointment is coming up on Tuesday. It spunds like it's a pretty boring appointment, though. But still, it will be nice to meet our OB!!
That's all the excitement I have for today. Just more of me trying to wrap my head around this whole being pregnant thing. And just to clarify, pleeeease dont mistake my venting for complaining. I would not change a thing! Just understand that my life took a shift about 4 years ago. And now I need to shift it back and it's not going to happen overnight. I read this thing on Facebook the other day that said "It's hard to be prepared for something when you don't really believe it will happen.". And honestly, that is where I was at. Even though I kept trying, I didn't really think it would ever happen so in my head, I think I !might have moved on, but just kept going through the motions physically to try for a baby. But I really REALLY am sooooo thankful and happy that it did. If it means gaining 100 pounds during pregnancy, bring it on! I know how to lose it after the baby is born. I just want to be clear that I wouldn't change a thing. And when I actually FEEL pregnant, I bet I will be a thousand times better with this stuff!!!
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3 comments:
Dear goodness woman! You've done the hard yards, that doesn't mean you have love every second of your pregnancy and your children. Not all of it is pleasant. Not all of it is sunshine and rainbows. You have not lost you're entitlement to be a balanced human being and acknowledge the bad with the good. Stop apologising. You can not enjoy parts and still feel grateful for it happening. Anyone reading here has made the choice to be here. If they aren't in a place where they can appreciate what you are going through then they need to be selective with their reading....as we all have been at times. Your blog. Your space. Your pregnancy. You're appreciate is unquestionable. :-)
Hmm that didn't read quite right. What I mean is that there can be a lot that makes you feel really quite sad, yucky, miserable etc and want to be past feeling like that but that doesn't mean you don't appreciate the gift you've been given.
My mom keeps telling me the same thing! That I don't have to be sorry for anything. But it's so hard. I feel horribly guilty. I've tried to find groups and blogs about pregnancy after infertility and they are few and far between. It's like when you graduate from infertility, your support just stops because you've reached your "goal." I have no idea if the emotions I'm feeling are normal. I feel like a crazy person! Lol. I know I need to chill out and just let myself feel what I'm feeling. It just feels very lonely out here. Maybe even more so than when I was still going through infertility.
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