Frustration.

I'm not gonna lie.  I'm feeling very defeated.  Every time I finally get my head wrapped around one thing, something else happens.  I was finally feeling good, getting my little workouts in and had fully accepted the change.  I was feeling happy and optimistic...then bam!  More to worry about.  I'm so thankful Baby Z is ok!!!  But now it's like every tiny twinge, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.  I picture the placenta ripping just a little bit more.   I feel like it was my fault that the hematoma happened in the first place,  I know it wasn't, but I am just so pissed at my body!  It can't seem to do anything right, no matter how well I treat it.  I just feel like giving up, sitting down and eating shitty food because apparently it doesn't matter.

Ok, you know I won't really do that and I know it matters.  But I'm so frustrated.  This is NOT how I pictured this pregnancy at all.  I suppose it dangerous to have any expectations at all, but I guess I always assumed that I was entitled to this perfect pregnancy with no issues.  I could continue to work out and eat healthy.  I always thought I deserved that after everything.  I was so very wrong.  I am continuing to get tested on a daily basis.  I will keep winning, because that's just what I do.  I want what I want and will do whatever I need to do get it.  But that doesn't mean it's not hard.  It is.  Very. Very. Hard.

I feel like a hermit.  Cut off from the entire world.  I'm introverted, yes.  But there is a big difference between introversion and loneliness.  I really am trying to stay optimistic.  And the main thing is that the baby is ok.  But it is going to be a loooong 6.5 more months if I can't wrap my head around this.  The silver lining is, I never really am alone.  Baby is here with me 24/7.  Even though I can't feel them moving yet and they can't hear me, I know they are in there kicking and swimming around.  I think I even read that they are hiccuping now.  I also have G, who has been amazing to me.  I can't imagine if he weren't around these last few weeks!  He has been the glue that is holding me together.  And of course my mom and friends who think they are being annoying by calling so much but it's the opposite!  Even if it is just a minute or 2 on the phone, it's nice to know I haven't been forgotten.

I know I will get through this...and maybe even with my sanity somewhat intact. And who knows, maybe I can go back to swimming after our follow up on the 5rh.  But even if I can't, and I have to wait, or can't workout until I pop this  baby out, I will get through it.  Because it's just what I do.