Struggle Town.

I'm back home in Montana now.  It's good to be home and I really do want to do a recap on the trip with pictures and everything...but I've been struggling controlling my emotions since I've been home.

My social life is pretty much dead since I can't work out.  Apparently, that was my only connection to the outside world.  And now, I spend every day at home, by myself, getting fat.  And it's not the good kind of fat.  I've spent so much time working on myself and then all of the sudden, I just have to shut it off.  And the worst part is, I don't even know if it's worth it or not.  All this for a chance.  A fucking chance.

I shouldn't say it might not be worth it.  It's worth it for the chance.  Some people don't even get that.  This is the closest we've been to our dreams.  But I'm still struggling a lot.  All over FB, my fitness friends are talking about how amazing their progress is and how they have these set goals.  I just want to get pregnant like a normal person.  I mean, Garrett and I weren't even there when our baby was made.  I've used fitness goals to distract me from this stuff before.  But I can't now.  And I'm drowning in questions and I can't have any answers until next week.  I feel so fucking helpless in this process. 

I've said it before, but I'm hoping as soon as I get a positive pregnancy test, that all those feelings will melt away.  I'm almost positive that they will.  My blood test is on Monday and it feels like an eternity away.  I'm sure these are all normal feelings when you go through IVF.  I just feel so alone in my head right now.  Maybe I just need to go do something with a friend today.  Like I said, I've been stuck at home since we got back, basically painting all day, every day, by myself...  So maybe I just need a little TLC from my friends!!!

Siiiggghhhh!!!!!  I cannot wait until this nightmare is over....