I am thoroughly looking forward to taking my life back. TTC has stolen much of mu life. Every decision I have made in the last couple years has revolved around a baby I can't seem to conceive.
Don't take this, it's bad IF I'm pregnant.
Don't drink caffeine, it's bad IF I'm pregnant.
Don't have a drink with my friends, it's bad IF I'm pregnant.
Don't plan to be away from the Hubs for too long in case I ovulate.
Don't commit to the apprenticeship yet, I might get pregnant.
The list goes on and on. TTC has been dictating, directly or indirectly, every decision in my life for the last few years and I just want to take my life back. I want to feel genuinely happy again. I want to go back to enjoying my life and living for myself and my husband, and not for a child that we don't have yet. I feel emotionally drained from all this.
There was a time when TTC was fun and exciting. I want to get back to that place. But I also want to return to it only when I have some sort of acceptance that even if we are unable to conceive, I have an amazing little family and we can always be parents if we so choose. Adoption is something we are both open to. But as I've said before, we would need to mourn the biological children we would never have before moving to this phase. But just knowing that we have that choice is a comfort to us.
This break is going to be amazing. I'm going to learn to tattoo. I'm going to get down to my goal weight. After reaching my goal weight, I'm getting a tattoo on my side. I'm going to train my butt off for some big bike rides. I'm going to go on picnics. I'm going to hang out with my friends. I'm going to enjoy quality time with my husband. I'm going to focus on my emotional well-being for a change. I'm going to appreciate what I have. I'm going to spend time with my family. I'm going to stop living in the future and appreciate every single day.
To all my TTC and fellow infertility girls, I'm still very much thinking of all of you and sending my T's and P's your way. I will continue to follow all of your journeys and understand if you no longer want to follow my blog as I will be taking, at the very least, the rest of the year off from TTC. I love all of you lovely ladies and I hope you get that BIG FAT POSITIVE test soon.
For me, I will continue to write in my blog about my endeavors. And I think, for the first time in 3 years, I will be able to breathe again.
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the Present."
9 comments:
I gotta say, I'm really jealous. I think it's awesome what you're doing. I'm very much in that "I can't go on the roller coasters with you because it's during my 2WW" phase and it sucks. To be able to go back to normal just sounds wonderful. Your goals sound amazing and it's super awesome that you're doing tattooing (I LOVE tattoos) and I think this sounds like it's the best decision for you right now. When you've spent some time away from ttc and can BREATHE, then maybe coming back and trying again will be more fruitful. Congratulations on your liberation :)
Oh wow.. second of my blog buddies this week...
Ness... This is a really great post. It is filled with a whole lot of enthusiasm and optimism. Something that seems to end up lacking all too often in the realms of TTC.
Like Lauren, I envy your position right now. It may have been forced upon you but sometimes we need a little help to unlock the door to freedom. I really hope this time allows your life to flourish and when you are ready to start again, you come back invigorated and enthusiastic. :-)
Will still be following as long as your are talking. xxxx
Thank you, girls!! Your support and encouragement means the world to me! I hope that by the time I come back to the TTC realms, you all will be nice and ripe with child.
And p.s. According to my mother, anyone that calls me "Ness" means they are a true friend. =)
I love you Ness!!!! I know we are just blog/message board buddies, but I really hope to meet you in real life someday. You are going to have such an amazing year and I for one cannot wait to hear all about your adventures and triumphs! :)
Kelly, I completely agree!! If you don't make it to Montana/Glacier National Park this year, I hope you do next year. Then we could officially be "real life" friends. =) XOXO
I am your real life friend and I heart you :) You are a badass, and I will be here whenever for what ever. Not everyone could ride in a car with me for hours and sing every song on the radio in, uh, metallica. Just sayin'. I don't always call you Ness, but that's because Dersar is just more fitting :)
Kari!!! I heart your face!!! calling me Dersar means you're a true friend too!!!
Ness, I will see you Tuesday. Lookin forward to it.
Loving your positive outlook!! Keep it up! It sounds like it's a much needed break, so enjoy it!
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