Insanely Overwhelmed

Feeling a bit overwhelmed!  OK...a lot overwhelmed!  We have probably less than 3 weeks until the cerclage comes out.  I'm still only really allowed about 3 hours up a day.  That is not a lot of time to get shit done.  And even then, I'm still not allowed to lift much or bend a lot..etc.  So what good can I do except grow a baby and get fat.

Uggghhh!!!  I get so annoyed in the morning because I wake up and start cleaning what I can, then BAM.  Outta time.  Our downstairs has turned into a storage unit, which is exactly what I wanted to avoid.  I wanted to have it all nice down there like it used to be.  I have a tendency to want to get rid of stuff while G wants to keep things.  It doesn't work so well.  I wouldn't mind keeping stuff if we had places for it.  But as of right now, we don't have room!!!  Our house is not that big.  Ahhh!

I'm frustrated.  Stupid effing reproductive organs.  Don't work for shit.  Like I said in a previous post, I need help getting pregnant, and I need help STAYING pregnant.

I'm supposed to be nesting!  I'm supposed to be still working out.  I'm supposed to be still working and contributing to our income.  Instead, I'm contributing to our debt.  In a big way.  And on top of all of this and feeling ripped off, I feel guilty for feeling ripped off.  Like I should be sitting here like everything is all sunshine and roses.  Every last one of these feelings is because of infertility and my stupid body's inability to do something it's designed to do!!!  I love my body in a lot of other ways, especially when I am in shape and I'm doing things I never thought I could in the past, but my reproductive organs can suck it.  They are dumb and I hate them.

All of my progress has been lost as far as my fitness goes.  And yes, yes, I know I will get it back.  Because I am determined.  Despite all the naysayers and the "...you just wait" assholes that want to tell me I will be too tired.  (And, ya know what?  I have like-minded friends that have done it so fuck off and don't tell me it can't be done.) I would still rather have lost my progress and be where I am right now, fat and pregnant, than be where I was last year.  I haven't lost my sense of thankfulness and I haven't forgotten how bad infertility hurts.  But it still just sucks to see something I worked so hard for, and tried to keep somewhat maintained, just disappear like that.  Poof. Gone.  I'm scared for that first pushup I attempt after I poop this baby out.  I know there will be lots of tears of frustration.  It's a good thing my workout partner can handle it. There were tears the first time I went through getting healthy too, but I just never let it stop me.  I just kept going through them.  And I will again this time.

Anyway, I know it's going to be OK.  I really do.  The main goal is to get baby out safe and sound.  I will sacrifice all of my comfort, wishes, body, and even my self esteem in order for Baby Z to come into this world as healthy and safe as possible.  It's not about me right now.  And while I know that I will continue to need to make a little time for myself each day for my goals, I know that it will never be just about me ever again...and that is what I always wanted.  So in the big picture, the nesting and what not does not matter.

The health and fitness thing does, though.  I want to be the mom playing on the playground with my kid.  Running around in the grass with them.  I want to be an example that shows them that age does not necessarily mean you are getting weaker.  Or that you can't do certain things.  Grandma and grandpa are good role models in that area, too. Our kids will have so much fun with grandma and grandpa J. because they aren't afraid to try new things, to risk looking silly, or to totally suck at something and still try it and do it anyway.  I want them to be surrounded by that attitude.

I am all over with this post.  I guess that's why it's titled "overwhelmed." My mind is racing with the thought that Baby could be here in less than 3 weeks if my cervix gives away right after the removal.  I feel so unprepared, granted, I'm sure that's normal for any first time parent in ANY situation.  I guess the nesting is more of a comfort for myself.  Cuz at least I would be doing something...or feel like I'm doing something about it. Instead, I am sitting here, feeling unprepared and doing nothing. It's like when people bitch about feeling out of shape all the time but never do anything about it.

Anyway, small potatoes in the grand scheme.  I have an ultrasound next Monday then we have an appointment with our old OB on Tuesday to talk about how my cervix and the cerclage looks.  The following week, we'll meet back up with Dr. Key and probably get the cerclage removal scheduled for that week.

This has been such an ordeal...and bed rest has been a true test for me.  I like how my mom put it.  She said she was never able to get me to sit still for anything.  And Baby Z has.  I sat my ass down!!! Hell, I basically hung upside down by my ankles for 4 solid days!!!  She says that's a true testament of my love for this baby. And it really is.  Those of you who know me at all, know that this is insanely hard for me.  I cry at least once a day.  I'm probably borderline depressed.  But I just keep thinking about my baby, and it makes it bearable!!!  I keep staring at those 4d pictures...that stupid cute nose and the chubby cheeks I get to kiss.  That is what all this is for!