Resentment

I really do have some shit to work through.  I'm running through a plethora of mixed emotions.  Todays emotion is resentment!

I'm having a hard time not being resentful.  Like the other day, I heard a pregnant girl say that morning sickness was the worst thing ever.  I wanted to say, "yes, if you are lucky!!!" I held my tongue though, telling myself that everyone's battle is their own!  And yes, morning sickness certainly does suck!!!  But being someone who was at one point, infertile and now, being someone who has gone through preterm labor and was in danger of possibly losing my baby, morning sickness seems so small.  But, again...everyone's battle is their own and it is not my place to judge what is difficult for them and what isn't.  After all, while I was going through infertility, I hated when people told me it could be worse.  And I hate when people tell me that now.  But, yes, I will admit, it does grind my gears a bit when I hear stuff like that.

I'm also resentful (and this one is just directed at the universe in general) that G and I have to continue to pay for infertility, even though we aren't going through treatments currently.  And by that, I mean we are paying $40/mo for embryo storage.  It is a small price in the grand scheme of things, but at the same time, just another little punishment for being infertile and wanting a family.  I know we will be going back for at least 1 more of those embryos so we will be paying that for at least another 2 years.  Probably longer.  But I'm thankful for those little embryos and we will pay because that's just what we need to do.

I'm resentful because I tried so hard to stay healthy for this pregnancy!  I worked out within my restrictions.  I ate pretty healthy.  Not my normal chicken and salad diet but still healthier than about 99% of America!  I did everything in my power to take care of my baby and myself.  And we just happen to be the lucky winners of an incompetent cervix.  It is nothing I did. It just is,  Dr. Key said it's more common in women who have undergone IVF, but they are not really sure why.  I joked with my mom the other day that I just make a horrible woman with all my jacked up plumbing.  Can't get pregnant on my own.  Can't stay pregnant on my own.

Working through the aftermath of emotions from all this is tough.  I've cried at least once a day, every day since being home.  We've already established that I'm thankful for how this has been going so no need to beat a dead horse.  But the anger, frustration, guilt, sadness...those are all very real emotions too and I can't just ignore them.

When people start talking to me about their "birth plan" all I can think about is how little I care.  I don't care about your plan to go all natural.  I don't care about your c-section or your vaginal birth.  I do not give a flying fuck.  I don't give 2 shits about your home birth or your midwife. Ya know what MY birth plan is?  To have a healthy baby.  If that means reaching down my goddamn throat and pulling baby out that way, go right ahead.  C_section?  Go for it!!!  Of course I would like a vaginal birth...but what I want is irrelevant if my baby is in distress!!!  As long as Baby Z is OK, I'm good.  I feel like I'm a horrible person for thinking this way, but after everything, I just can't help it right now.

I talked to a friend today that had her baby at 28 weeks.  It made me feel more normal because she had all the same emotions.  She reassured me that these feelings are normal for what I'm going through and not to feel bad.  So that was nice to hear because I do feel kind of like a bitch...and I probably sound like one too.  But she told me people will try to downplay it.  People will act like it's no big deal...especially now that I'm home, they will assume I'm outta the woods.  The people that truly love G and I know that this IS a big deal.  Everything I was describing to my friend today gave her goosebumps because it's exactly how she felt.  It was very reassuring for me.

Whew!  It feels good to get this out.  I have some shit to work through, no doubt!  So if my ramblings bother you, I won't be offended if you don't read them.  I'm not trying to offend anyone, I'm just trying to make sense of things!  Or at least just let them sink in.  It's a lot to process.