Easter (**Contains some possible triggers for my infertility friends**)

I realize I've been a bit absent in the last week.  It was a combination of feeling like a cantankerous beeotch (as displayed in my last post) and being super busy at work.  This is another busy week so I'm going to get my post in today before the week swallows me alive.(Oh and for the record, being busy has been awesome!!!!  It might cause some back issues but it's totally worth it because it's helping pass the days!)

So let me start by saying that today is Easter.  And there is this weird feeling I have going on.  Happiness.  And peace.  The past few Easters (or any holiday centered around kids) have been spent crumpled up in a little ball trying to hide my feelings and avoid anything that has to do with children.  G and I aren't doing diddly squat today, in fact I'm sitting here in my robe and towel and it's almost 10:30am.  But the point is, I don't feel that emptiness.  Instead, I feel an incredible sense of gratitude. 

First, I am sitting here, feeling the kicks and movements of my baby.  This is a sensation, like I've stated before, that I never thought I would get to experience.  And yet here I am, watching and feeling the subtle, and sometimes not to subtle movements of our baby in my belly.  I am 5 months pregnant and only have 4 months left until our little one is here.  This is the last Easter we will spend with just G and I and our mutts!  Yes, I was pregnant at Christmas, but I didn't feel that sense of peace because it was too early.  I had just found out and was waiting for the inevitable bad luck to follow.  So I couldn't enjoy that holiday in the same way I am enjoying today.

Second, I am reminded of those that helped me through holidays like today when I was in the midst of my ever-continuing infertility saga.  The ones that never wavered in their support.  Mom and I were talking about how when you go through something traumatic, people start off constantly asking what they can do to help...for about 2 weeks.  Then they dwindle off and you are left with your true friends.  Those are the people who I am eternally grateful for.  The people that were not just there when I was vocal about my pain...but those who could see it despite my best efforts of hiding it.  The people that offered a simple hug because it's all they knew to do.  Let me tell you that those single hugs and recognition that infertility was a piece of shit was the best thing anyone could do.  I'm sure it's the same thing with any traumatic experience.  Cancer.  Losing a loved one.  There's not much people can do to ease your pain other than acknowledge the fact that it's a shitty situation and that you are loved.

Third, I am thankful for those same people that continued their support through my pregnancy.  Even if they didn't/couldn't understand the difficulty I had transitioning to being pregnant, they still didn't leave me hanging.  And now they continue to celebrate every tiny little thing in this pregnancy with me.  They comment and/or like all my dumb little FB posts (though I do try to keep them to a minimun on FB out of respect for my friends still knee deep in their infertility journeys).  They touch my belly...or in some cases, poke and shake!  They call or text me just to see how I'm feeling and just genuinely show excitement for my baby to be here.  Believe it or not, some people stopped showing any interest in my journey to become a mom once I actually got pregnant.  And no, I'm not talking about those going through infertility still.  I wouldn't blame them a second if they blocked everything I post or just withdrew from me for a while.  I get that.  But again, I am just reminded over and over again who my true friends and family really are!!!!  They trudge through the shit with you, and celebrate the good stuff with you. 


**Side Note**
I've been adoring all the love baby gets from people.  It's not about attention for me.  If you know me, I don't really like being the center of attention.  It makes me feel awkward.  I usually hang back and let other people do the talking.  (Mom, your opinion is void here.  I'm talking about outside of family).  It's about attention for my baby.  That's why when people touch my belly...even strangers, I don't care.  If someone cares enough to send their love through my belly to my baby, they can have at it!  Who knows.  Maybe they never got to experience pregnancy, or never got to feel a baby kick, or just want to express their happiness...or whatever.  Unless they are being offensive or rude, I really don't mind.  I can understand why people would mind.  But personally, I enjoy it.

Anyway, I just wanted to balance out my big cranky rant from the other day with something a little more...upbeat.  And I truly truly and grateful to be where I am right now.