I read a disturbing argument today on a forum. Someone was super pissed off at their infertile friend for pulling away during her pregnancy. It really and truly made me thankful for my friends and that they were not that way towards me.
First of all, my closest few friends were amazing during my struggles with infertility. I know how hard it must have been not knowing which part of me you were gonna get for the day...the sunny optimistic happy me (the side I like to consider the true me), or the gloomy despairing side that had the ability to cry at the drop of a hat. Regardless, they stayed loyal to me and hung out with whichever side they got.
They NEVER made me feel bad about needing to stay home and deal with deep seated pain. Infertility can truly put you in a deep hole of sadness that no one can get your out of except yourself... And only when you are ready. And every time I was ready to come out of that hole, there they were, my truly selfless friends. And like I said, after reading that thread about the woman who was ready to dump her infertile bestie because she pulled away, I realize how good I have it!!! I guess I figured everyone was lucky enough to have friends like mine. I don't have a lot...but the few I have are irreplaceable.
Ive talked about Aprill before and how big a role she played in keeping me afloat. Anyone that knows me knows that we are attatched at the hip most days. But today, I especially want to throw a thank you to Kari because her last pregnancy (not the current one), I really pulled away. The last 2 years were definitely the hardest of the 7 and not once did she make me feel bad. There was no pressure, yet I still got a shower invite. And there were no hard feelings on her part when I couldn't gather the strength to go. And there was no trash talking behind my back, either. Instead, a few months after her boy was born, there was a message from her telling me she loved me and that she is there for me. It brought me immediately to tears. I didn't feel worthy of being her friend anymore. And then when I finally got pregnant, there was no "well, she didn't come to my shower so I'm not going to hers." There was no resentment or anything like that. When she found out, she immediately called and when I answered, all I heard was her scream with excitement!!! (I'm pretty sure she wasn't even saying real words...lol) I'm truly lucky, indeed!!!
If you are wondering, yes, I do feel pretty awful that I was not that friend who was screaming with excitement on the other end of the phone for my friends and family that told me their news. But at the time, some days, i barely had the motivation to get out of bed. I was losing what little strength I had to fight for my own potentional child by doing treatment after treatment. All of my energy in had left was thrown into my struggle to keep going and to keep fighting for my dream. I had none left to try and put on my happy face and hide the pain. I didn't want my own sadness to taint the happiness of others. No, I do not feel like I was a good friend. I half expected my friends to move on...and I wouldn't have blamed them. But they exceeded my every expectation! And I am beyond thankful for that. They continue to celebrate my pregnancy every day with me. They don't harbor any resentment or bring up anything from my infertility days to try and make me feel bad. They are the very definition of what a true friend should be. And I love the shit out of them.
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Adversity will always show you who your real friends are. I've had many distance themselves from me since my cancer diagnosis. That is fine. They no longer make the A list of my inner circle however. They went from "friend" to "friendly acquaintance". There are moments in time that define the true blue from the not so real. It's a gift to know who our true friends are.
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