I keep wracking my brain, thinking about what I did wrong...even though I know it's nothing I did. It's my body. It's my cock-sucking PCOS. But I cannot help but feel completely betrayed by my effing ovaries. I have worked sooooooo hard to get healthy. I even gave up coffee. COFFEE! ME!! And gluten for fucks sake! And this is what happens??? Well, yesterday and today, I ate about 17 pounds worth of bread. That'll teach those dumb, broken ovaries of mine. I am getting right back to my good habits tomorrow, but I just needed to have a day or 2 of ovary-loathing!
Like I said in my other post...there is still a little hope for this cycle. But I kind of wish that I had just skipped this cycle altogether. It has completely crushed the little bit of hope that I had going. Now I'm super nervous that I won't respond to IVF meds because my body is a giant fucktard, even though I've been treating it better than I ever have in my life.
Yesterday was only the 2nd time I have ever cried while seeing my fertility specialist. I've always been able to keep pretty positive...at least until I made it back out to my vehicle. But I just couldn't help it yesterday. My eyes immediately started to well up as I tried to respond to the sad ultrasound that just happened. I feel like I can cry at the drop of a hat these days. I'm worn soooo thin.
I just need to take a deep breath. Step back for a second. Tomorrow morning is my ultrasound to see if anything has happened. Maybe....just maybe my follies are just slow. I shouldn't completely give up yet. Please, ovaries, don't let me down! I have worked sooooooooo hard to take care of you! Don't let me down! Please please please please please!!!!!!
I like to think of myself as this tough infertility warrior. But the truth is, I fall apart nearly every day.
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