Boo-Frickin-Hoo (Crying a Giant River Tonight)

You know what has been bothering me lately?  When people invalidate others' feelings saying "it could be worse."  Of course it could be worse.  It can ALWAYS be worse.  But making me feel like being upset about not being able to have children (well, so far anyway) is hurtful and I don't think people realize just how much.  Feeling like you are having something that every woman should have an opportunity to experience if they so choose ripped away from you hurts like a motherfucker.  And then watching people you love getting to experience it stirs up the most unruly, mixed emotions.  It makes you feel like a giant pile of steaming shit bombs when someone tells you they are pregnant and you have to choke back tears to be able to muster up a somewhat believable "congrats."  You sit there in your pile of shame feeling as though no one can relate and you just want to crawl into bed, throw the covers over your face and sob.  And to top it off, the guilt I feel for being jealous is horrendous!!!  And probably rightly so.

I feel like the rest of my life is on hold, like I'm waiting for this one thing to happen so I can move on.  I keep trying to move forward with the tattooing and painting, but it's hard to focus on that stuff when I feel like a piece is missing.  I am reading a book on coping with infertility, and it asks some questions on how to know when to cease on the fertility treatments.  The very top question was, "do you have a hard time being hopeful at the beginning of a treated cycle?"  My immediate thought was YES.  And that made me sad.  Really fucking sad. 

Despite my fading hope, I'm still going to keep on trucking.  I continue to try to hide the pain I feel every day, or convince myself that I am tougher than I really am.  I really do have an awesome life and I'm very VERY thankful for everything I have.  I'm so very lucky in so many ways.  But I would give up so much to be able to have children.  SO MUCH...  The sadness I feel somedays is almost unbearable.  I feel like somebody died.  And I look at these people that don't even take care of themselves...and here I am, giving my everything to become healthier and just a better person in general, and my ovaries are still a couple of assholes!  I know I shouldn't think like that, but some days I just can't keep my mind from going there. 

sigh.  Did I mention I may be starting a new cycle in a few days?  Perhaps that's why all this is stirring up.  I need to go find some positivity somewhere in the crevices of my brain.  I know it's in there.  I'm normally pretty upbeat.  I just really needed to vent amd be sad.  I don't like doing too much venting to my friends, not because they wouldn't listen or wouldn't care.  In fact, it's the opposite.  I have very understanding and loving friends.  But I'd rather not be a big bummer in their days.  I can muddle through this shit without being a sad blotch on their days.  And honestly, I will get through this.  My hubby is always there to bring me back up when I feel like giving this fertility business up.  And even though I say I'm not tough, you don't go through infertility if you don't have at least a little inner strength in ya.

Sorry about the few downer posts in a row to those still even reading this thing.  It has been a rough year starting with losing a job, then my dog almost dying, trying to figure out hubby's headache situation, mom's cancer  relapsing, and that's on top of the failed fertility cycles.  But, it's one of those years that will make me appreciate all the good ones!!!  So there's my silver lining right there. 

Deep breath.  Tomorrow is a new day!!  I got this...