Just....sad....

Some days, your heart just hurts.  And today, it fucking hurts.  I can't even describe it.  It goes to the very core.  Like I can't even catch my breath almost.  I could feel my lip shaking just trying to hold it in.  We are coming up on 6 years of trying and I don't know when is enough.  When do you accept it?  I don't feel anywhere near ready, but every year that goes by gets harder and harder.  Sometimes, I even wonder if I have any hope left at all that I will be able to have children.  The rest of my life is going very well...but I don't give a shit because what I really want is to have children.  I feel stuck and that the rest of my life can't move forward.  I have been working sooooo fucking hard to get myself healthy.  And then people who do not take care of themselves, (or the family that they already have) get to pop out thousands of babies.  I feel like everything I'm saying has been said a MILLION times before, but holy shit!  I just hurt right now.  I'm sure tomorrow, I will pick myself up, dust myself off and keep on trucking.  But I am having a massive pity party right now.  I'm going to be doing another cycle in November.  And I don't know how much hope I can muster up for it.  I need to change my attitude because honestly, I already feel like it's not going to work.  That a horrible way to look at it, but I almost feel like I need to protect myself...if that makes any sense at all.  siiighhhh...  Perhaps I just need to sleep.  I will try that.