Disclaimer: This is probably clomid-induced, but I am non-stop sobbing and this needs to go somewhere...and I don't need to be posting a giant pity party on Facebook, so it's going here. Feel free to skip this post!!!
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Day 3 of clomid. And I'm a mess. I go from feeling hopeful to agitated to bummed to numb all within about 5 minutes. I'm totally feeling soooooo left behind right now and incredibly inadequate. My brother and his wife are expecting and just thinking about it makes my heart ache. Which makes me feel like a miserable excuse for a human. But that's the honest truth. I was talking to my mom about the effects of clomid and she started talking about how my sister-in-law was having the same symptoms and, again, my heart instantly sank and I told her at least she has a baby waiting at the end of all her symptoms. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel just to find a little hope that my ovaries aren't just overstimulating like usual. (I know. Bad attitude...)
One of the worst parts about infertility these days is how much it seeps into my idea of self worth. I should in theory, be able to keep it seperate, but somehow it finds it's way into my thought process when looking at the rest of my life. I'm infertile. That doesn't mean I'm a failure at everything I do. But somehow, it makes me feel as such. Like I can't move forward. Or like it doesn't matter what I'm doing with the rest of my life. I really need to learn to refrain from that kind of thinking. Because in all honesty, I'm getting pretty successful in other areas of my life and having this fertility shit rain on my parade is uneccessary and doesn't help the situation whatsoever.
That being said, if this cycle is a bust, I'm just going to wish for some kind of glimmer of hope..whether it's something as simple as my ovaries looking better this time than last time, or something even better. But I just need a little hope to hold on to. That will push my drive to keep on getting healthier and pushing myself past my limits, physically. I am working really hard on the eating part right now. That is my biggest struggle. Though, I have to say, clomid does not help my mental state through these workouts. Holy shitballs. They are hard enough to get through mentally without feeling out of control of your emotions. But I have no intention of stopping... I'll just get really pissy through them and then move on.
Whoa. Sidetracked. That's probably a good thing. And that's probably where I should be putting my focus on. Infertility is the essence of feeling and being out of control so I'm glad that my workouts are something I CAN control through all this. THAT'S where my mind needs to be. I can't control my moods with the fucking drug, but I can control my actions. So there it is.
I usually try to reread these before I post them, but I feel like there's no making sense of this jumbled mess this time. It is what it is.
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1 comment:
I felt the same way... That life was on hold. It's so not true, but if you let it, it will suck all the joy out of life. It's so easy to do. I am hoping sooooooo hard!
Sorry Clomid is such a bitch to you! It was only bad for me on 200 mg and still wasn't that bad aside from the terrible hot flashes of course. Or maybe I went crazy and didn't notice? Possible. :)
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