A Moment of Honesty

Feeling a little conflicted tonight.  Not about IVF.  But about the value of what I do.  I feel like I don't make a difference in anyone's life.  Like I'm not contributing anything to anyone.  I paint and tattoo all day.  Maybe I'm just feeling a little like I'm in everyone's shadow because I'm so introverted/quiet around most people.  That's kind of how I always have felt growing up, too.  Like I'm invisible.  I've learned not to be ashamed of being introverted, but it seems like society values the extrovert over the introvert.  People are always trying to get me to "come out of my shell" but that's not me.  I'm not the crazy loud one.  The truth is, being around too many people steals my energy.  I am an introvert to the very core.

I've also been worried about being left behind.  Ya know, if I get pregnant.  I know it's a stupid thing to worry about and I hope that when/if I get pregnant, this will be the last thing on my mind.  But I don't want to lose my progress.  I don't want to lose my workout partner.  I'm really hate that I'm struggling with this.  That I'm even letting it bother me.  But it is.  I should be stoked and excited.  And really, I am for the most part.  But I've spent the last few years readjusting my goals so that they weren't just on making a baby.  And now that making a baby is likely to be in my near future, I have to shift them back around.  Baby-making mode was almost on autopilot.  Like I never really thought it was possible.  I was just going through the motions of what you do with you are going through infertility, never really thinking it could happen.  Go to this appointment.  Go to that appointment.  Take these pills.  Wait for nothing to happen.  Then start all over again.  And now that it's within reach, I'm scared. 

I think I just need to refocus myself.  Be honest with myself.  I want to be a mom more than anything.  If that means losing some of my progress and having to start over later, so be it!  If that means missing out on Spartan Races and other goals of mine in the next year, so be it.  If IVF is successful, it will be what the last 7 years have been leading up to.  So I just can't wrap my head around why I am feeling so scared.

Anyway, that's enough of that.  Like I said, hopefully if IVF is a success, all these feelings will just melt away. 

On to more positive things.  I started Lupron injections yesterday.  And my suppression check is in 1 week!  It's coming right up.  So crazy.