My natural cycle was a complete flop. I had thought I got a couple positive opk's, but it must have been a fluke. I never got my period and ended up having to take prometrium to start a period. It was kind of a blow to my ego. lol. I thought maybe...just maybe I had earned a little break. But I should know by now, it doesn't work that way. It's not about what you earn or what you deserve. Like my friend said, it's the roll of the cosmic dice. If try to come up with reasons as to why you are picked amongst soooo many to be infertile, you will drive yourself crazy. I try to remember not to do that, but every so often, I find myself wondering what I could have done so terribly wrong to deserve infertility.
So as of right now, I am back on bcp. G has almost the full 90 days of Protandim in his system, which means we are crazy close to doing another medicated cycle. I'm not sure if I'm more excited to scared. I called my fertility specialist and she said that we are looking at another IUI via clomid. Coming to the decision to do another clomid IUI was not taken lightly on my part. I put some serious thought into it. Because mentally, I'm ready to move on to the next thing. But, when I look at it from a different perspective: clomid is working. I can't argue with that. The side-effects are not that pleasant, but it has been successful in the last 4/4 cycles. I guess there really is no reason to change it at this juncture. $36 worth of medication vs. $500 worth of injections... I might as well give in another chance. Sigh... But if they think I'm doing a total of 12 IUI's, they are on crack. haha!
I love living in Montana. Absolutely love it. But the reason they push IUI's so hard here is because of our lack of reproductive options here. We have 1 IVF clinc for the whole state with a doc the flies in and does a bunch of IVF's then leaves again. So you can imagine how hard it is to get into this clinic. There's a huge wait. So as far as IVF goes, it's kind of a bust and I plan on just having to go out of state for it. We don't even have any reproductive endocrinologists. At least when I was first looking, we didn't I see a nurse practitioner who specializes in infertility, and she is the bomb. But before that, I was with a doc who had no fucking clue.
In other news, it's the first week of school for the little turkey's here. Another hard time of year. As is Halloween. And Thanksgiving. And Christmas.... Pretty much every holiday. And I can feel a rift growing between myself and my friend with children...and I KNOW it's my fault. I might as well lock myself in a cave. It just seems like I have less and less in common with them anymore. It makes me feel like a terrible person. I love them all dearly! And part of it is just how horrible of a place I am in right now. Almost 7 years of this shit. Hardly a day goes by that I don't break down at least once. And usually when it happens, I have to take all that sadness and bury it so I can move on with my day. Life doesn't stop for you to have a breakdown. I can't reschedule my tattoos because I'm "sad.' That's just not how life works. If there was a pause button, that would be great. I would just leave it on pause until I can catch up.
Through the entire time G and I have been trying, we've watched our friends get married, have babies and move on. We watched one couple date, get married have 3 babies, and get divorced. Nothing wrong with that. That's life and a struggle all on it's own. But it just gives you a weird perspective on the time that has passed with us still struggling with the same issue. And it's kind of amazing we haven't given up yet. Talk about persistent!!!!
It's not just watching our friend having babies that's hard. Seeing them moving on with THEIR dreams is hard. When the one thing I want more than ANYTHING is to be able to have children and have a family, nothing else that involve my other non-family-related dreams even seems appealing. Tattoo right now is usually just a job. Painting recently has kind of lost it's luster. I'm trying hard not to let that happen, though. I can't lose myself entirely in this stupid struggle. That's how I know I'm getting closer to being done. When I'm so far gone, that painting doesn't even do anything for me. I'd almost prefer a boring job that doesn't require me to think or have passion. I can just do it. Make money. and go home. I don't really want that. Which is why I need to really evaluate how much longer I want to do this.
So in a couple weeks, we will begin what will hopefully end up as IUI #5. I really don't know how to feel about it yet. Or how many more IUI's is in the cards for us. But I guess we will just see what happens
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