Natural cycle update

I can't remember when I last updated this thing.  Didn't check.  But I know it's been a while.  I'm currently trying a natural cycle while the hubs is getting some vitamin type stuff in his system to hopefully help on his end.  I did some OPK's and got a positive on cd14 and cd15.  But I'm highly skeptical.  The only other time I got a positive on an OPK, I ended up getting my period a couple days later so it was a total fluke, and a completely crushing experience.  So I'm approaching this cycle very cautiously.

So at the moment, I'm on cd 26.  I haven't decided what to do if this cycle is a flop.  If I get my period, I might try another natural cycle.  If I don't, I will probably go back on BCP, even though I have been reading very conflicting information about treating PCOS with BCP.  But, I don't want to screw anything up and have my ovaries get all nasty again.  So we will see how this all pans out.

I've been really enjoying spending time with my niece!!!!  But it further reinforces the fact that I want to be a mom more than anything!  Yesterday, we were at the lake and I was comforting a very upset niece.  She was clutching my shoulder and starting to fall asleep when a couple walked by with their family and they innocently asked me how old my baby was.  I sat there for a second, not really sure what to say, trying to process the question.  Begging my tear ducts to behave.  And dying a little inside.  "I wish I could take credit for her.  This is my niece."  That's how I eventually answered this horribly painful, yet innocent question. 

Later in the day, G told me that I look good with a baby on my hip.  And watching my brother with his baby girl was amazing.  He is an awesome AWESOME dad!  I wish I could see G be a dad.  He will be an amazing one as well.  And watching my mom and dad do the grandma & grandpa thing is fun too.  But hard.

Yesterday was a good day.  But also a very bittersweet day.  I love the shit out of my niece.  And seeing how much my brothers (and parents) lives have changed from one little person is tough because I want that sooooo incredibly much, it physically hurts.  I want to experience that little person growing in my belly.  I feel like G and I are on this little stranded island, watching everyone else's dreams of having children come true, while we sit and wait.  And wait and wait and wait and wait and wait for it to happen for us.  I keep asking the questions that I shouldn't be...like what have I done that was so terrible for us to deserve infertility.

I stood in the middle of our living room today and cried on my hubs shoulders for a good 30 minutes.  Sometimes, the pain and frustration is just so terribly overwhelming.

I'm far from giving up on this dumb dream, but it's very enticing on days like today where I feel dead inside.  But, alas, I will press on!  It's not my style to give in.