Empty Shell

Still going strong on the gluten free dairy free business!!!  It is turning out not to be as difficult as I thought it would.

A few more days until the Spartan Race.  I'm excited I get to participate, but holy shit, am I nervous!  It's going to be so rough!!!  But the bragging rights will be nice when it's all over.

I also have a week and a half left of bcp.  I need to call and see about the injections.  I'm getting nervous about that too.  Not the injections.  As someone who tattoos on herself, I'm not worried at all about those.  But I'm worried about my emotional health.  And some days, I wonder if I really am depressed.  Most days I'm good, but other days, I just feel like an empty shell walking around, smiling at things that I don't want to smile at.  Laughing at things I don't want to laugh at.  But forcing myself to be a part of society so I don't sink into some sort of black hole of sadness.  Although feeling like an empty shell isn't exactly ideal either.  Those days are tough ones and usually I have a few in a row.  Like I said, most days are ok.  But the empty shell days are a bitch.

I keep trying to redirect my focus onto other things that make me happy.  But it seems to always find its way back.  Everywhere I look there is a baby.  Or a pregnant woman.  Or a happy couple playing with their kids.  Or a parent bonding with their child.  A baby who looks exactly like their mom/dad.  How am I supposed to carry on seeing that and not being reminded of my own emptiness?

Anyway.  I didn't mean to make this a big downer post.  I have some exciting things coming up!  But the emptiness has been weighing me down a little lately so apparently I just needed to get it out.  And since this seems to be the place to do that when I feel like I am burdening others with this stuff, that is where I will put it!  It's crazy how your chest can feel so empty, yet so heavy at the same time...