Another failed cycle.

I always hope every time I do a cycle, that  I am able to take the negative gracefully.  And I always want to be this strong person that doesn't get down or affected so deeply by a failed cycle.  One who can just shake it off and say, "that's ok!  There's always next month!"  Perhaps putting these expectations on myself is completely unreasonable....and possible hurtful in the long run.  Because every time I have a failed cycle, I feel completely and utterly heartbroken.  It feels like someone is just standing on my chest.  Like I can't catch my breath.  The total disappointment and sadness takes over my entire being.  And my soul just feels momentarily crushed.

So yes, perhaps putting these expectations on myself to be able to just dust myself off and "try again" is a bit unreasonable.  This infertility business is hard and I had no idea at this point, just how deep the pain would become.  I have this vision in my head of myself being the totally strong person who doesn't let anything get me down.  Who can control how I feel.  But I feel so powerless when it comes to this.  I can't get myself to be that tough person in my head.  For example, the other day, I just laid in fetal position on the floor in the garage (my paint/workout studio), after my workout and just sobbed.  Not exactly how I like to picture myself. 

This is always the worst part though.  Sorting through all the emotional baggage at the end that goes with a failed cycle.  It's like when you get back from a long vacation and you have all this dirty, unorganized luggage that needs to be unpacked, sorted and washed.  The last this you want to do when you get home is unpack and deal with it.  But you have to so you have clean clothes to wear.  That's sort of what dealing with this part of the cycle is like.  In order for me to feel ready for whatever is next, I need to deal with all the junk in my head.  I need to mourn the loss of the potential child so that I will be ready to try again.  Or in my case, go on another break.  I just wish I didn't have to go through that mourning process EVERY time. 

But, I'm starting to come to terms with the negative and grasping onto the idea of a break.  So slowly but surely, I am getting there.  I'm going back to focusing on the workouts because that is what is allowing me these opportunities to even have a chance.  So I will just embrace that and hopefully by the time I'm ready for another cycle, my ovaries will continue to respond.